What I really want to do is Direct (lessons from a life in filmmaking)

{On the set of Lunchbox Blues, my Directorial debut, circa 1999}

Earlier this year I had an epiphany.

Well, it was part epiphany, part breakdown.
After 15 years of wanting to produce other people’s films, I decided what I really want to do, is direct my own.

My film industry peeps will understand how big of a lightbulb moment this is.
For those who aren’t familiar with the industry, let me try to explain.
It’s like saying I want to go from being an accountant to dancing backup for Justin Timberlake.
Or from being an improvisational performance artist to working on wall street.
In other words, a BIG switch.

The film industry is mostly setup so that you choose one discipline or professional path and you commit to it.
You find your niche and you stay there.
Once you choose to be a writer, you’re a writer.
When you’re the actor who only does comedy roles, you get more comedy roles.
You become “type cast” and it can be hard to reinvent yourself, if you want to.
It’s not unlike our parents generation, who believed you get the degree, get the job and then stay at that job for the rest of your life. Earn a salary. Get bonuses. 401K. Benefits. Security. All that jazz.
Today? Not as much.
On average a person changes career paths five to seven times in their life.
Things aren’t certain, secure, or safe anymore.
Truth be told, they never were.

There are many reasons I’ve had a love-hate relationship with the entertainment industry since leaving in 2005.
One of which is that the industry is old, stodgy and very slow to embrace change. They are mostly comfortable with certain, safe, secure. It shows in their business practices, their movies and how they “type cast” one another.
It took awhile but I now know that I’m not just a filmmaker. I’m entrepreneurial. I like a lot of things. I’m a Jane-of-many-trades. A renaissance woman. I enjoy photography, fashion, food. Music. Travel. Writing. Starting up new businesses. Social Media Marketing. You name it and I probably have or want to try it.
So being pigeonholed into a single role, in a world that didn’t see being multi-passionate as an asset or allow me to fully tap into my own creative power, was limiting. Suffocating really.
And so I left.

There’s a running inside joke – that goes like this . . . everyone who is writing, producing, editing, etc. is actually kidding themselves. Because, what they really want to do, is direct.
Directing is seen as the ultimate job. The King. The Auteur. The Captain of the ship. Everyone else contributes to help make the Director’s vision a reality. We exist to help them bring it to the big screen.
It’s a position of perceived {and actual} power. And power is alluring.
So deep down a lot of people harbor the secret desire to be in the captains seat.
For years, I was certain I didn’t want to direct.
Even though I had directed small things before going to film school, once I entered into the lion’s den, I committed to the path of producing 150%. There was no doubt in my mind that I was a producer through and through.

And yet in January of this year, as I had been slowly building my blog, pursuing creative endeavors and listening to my creative callings, I heard the whisper.
The whisper that said I needed to make a movie. That I needed to tell MY stories. In my own way.
That I needed to direct a feature film.
I was conflicted, but I knew the whisper couldn’t be ignored.
The funny thing about our deep desires {especially creative ones}, is that they can’t and won’t be ignored. Eventually, when you’re ready, when you can finally tune into your own frequency, the truth will present itself.
But hearing the truth is only a part of it.
Embracing it and acting on it is a whole other thing entirely.

{On the set of Lunchbox Blues working with two of my actresses, circa 1999}

My practice in embracing and working towards my dream of making my first narrative feature film, is an exercise in purposeful action.

Each day I take a small step. I read a book for research. I take photos for inspiration. I talk to someone else about it. I write a sentence or two. It might seem like nothing is getting done, but in reality, by doing these little actions, I’m moving mountains. My own mountains of resistance and fear.

What I’ve realized is that my entire life, the long non circuitous path that’s gotten me to the present day, has been in preparation for me to tell my own stories. Everything from acting in high school plays to teaching yoga to studying life coaching, has all been in service of this bigger vision. A vision that I couldn’t possibly have seen or understood at the time.
Everything in my life has led me to this moment of truth. Of being able to surrender enough to hear the whisper. To heed the call.

Today, I can say with 100% confidence, that what I really want to do is direct.
What do you really want to do?

Tagged as: creativity, life lessons, Los Angeles, personal growth, what i know