25 Ways to have a little compassion (for yourself)

It’s come to my attention in the last month or so that I have a deep lack of compassion. Not for others, but for myself.

When it comes to lavishing acknowledgement upon my friends, I’m always there. When it’s time to dole out words of praise to family, I’m always the first in line. Even when a stranger is accused of committing an act of hate, I try to put my judgements aside, and come with compassion. I’m not always successful at these things, but more often than not, my heart is in the right place.

When it comes to self-compassion however, things are a little more . . . complicated.
I don’t know if it’s cultural, societal, or just the way my family raised me, but being selfless to the point of near martyrdom, is preferable to excessively doting on oneself. Sure I can pay myself a compliment. And genuinely recognize when I’ve accomplished something to be proud of. But this type of self acknowledgement is tied to DOING, which is tied to self-esteem. And as I’ve learned very recently, self-esteem and self-compassion are two VERY different things.

Being self-compassionate means that whether you win or lose, surpass your sky-high expectations or fall short, you still extend the same kindness and sympathy toward yourself, just like you would a good friend.

—Kristin Neff

According to psychologist and author Kristin Neff, cultivating self-compassion really centers around three things: self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. And all three of these area’s can be developed and improved upon.

It’s so interesting to me that anyone, including myself, would struggle with self-compassion. I mean, what happened to genuine compassion for just being alive? When I was a little girl I certainly didn’t feel less than, for just existing. For being me. In fact, I’m pretty sure I thought I was the cat’s meow.

As adult women we’re quite guilty of passing the buck of self compassion on to others. And never returning back home to do the same for ourselves. Am I right ladies?
How many times have you cuddled with your kitty (or puppy) and just showered him/her with nothing but love? Just because. How many times have you seen a friend going through a breakup and just sat with her, holding her hand as she cried? How many times has your partner been under tremendous stress at work, and you’ve made sure that he feels extra loved at home (by cooking an amazing meal, taking care of the kiddos, etc.)?

I’m sure you’ve expressed your compassion for others, hundreds of times and in hundreds of different ways. But today, I want to encourage you (and me) to reverse the flow, and flood ourselves with some self-compassion.
Below are 25 ways that I’ve come up with to love myself more. Some are more personal things that may not apply to you. Adjust accordingly. Some are actions vs. ways of just “being” – take your pick and feel free to add to the list!

SELF COMPASSION // 25 ways to have more of it

1. Sit at my grandma’s my altar. Light incense. Meditate on having love + compassion for myself.
2. Take a bath (use the nice essential oils).
3. Write + mail myself a sweet note of appreciation and love.
4. Spend an entire day doing things I LOVE!
5. TAP on whatever is holding me back from experiencing true self compassion and love.
6. Sleep in on a Monday.
7. Set an alarm on my iPhone to go off at least 2x per day that says – I FREAKING LOVE YOU.
8. Look through old photos of grandma. Remember all of her beautiful qualities, and how she imparted so many of them to me.
9. When I’m feeling upset, give myself a big ‘ol hug (yes, an actual hug)
10. Reframe negative thoughts when they pop up (instead of, “Ugh, why I am always so emotional?” reframe it as, “There are certain times and certain situations that make me feel emotional. That’s ok. I’m human.”).
11. Go to a museum alone, with my camera. Revel in the beauty. Soak in the details.
12. Practice mindfulness as a way to be fully present in the moment.
13. Get together for chai with a loving friend who understands + supports me.
14. When I complete a task (“successfully” or not), give myself a high-five!
15. Get underneath a cozy down comforter and snuggle down. Solo.
16. Spend time with a very young child (there’s nothing like seeing life through the eyes of someone who hasn’t yet learned to judge).
17. Make a gratitude list (when all else fails, it’s gratitude to the rescue)!
18. Spend some serious QT with one of the (6) senses. Smell, Sight, Sound, Taste, Touch, Intuition. Get to know it. Indulge in it.
19. Cuddle with a kitty (or puppy). Feel the sheer love and joy for them. And then usher some of that love to myself.
20. Write. Keep writing. About anything. Everything. Whatever needs to come out. As a stream of consciousness. Let it all out.
21. Have a candid conversation with a loved one. Share my insecurities, fears, struggles. Opening up has the powerful effect of breaking the spell of all our “junk”.
22. On tiny strips of paper, list of all the ways I am not compassionate towards myself. Light a candle. And then burn baby burn. Set fire to the rain. Listen to Adele if it so moves me.
23. Create. Whether it’s art, photos, music, dance – create! Exercising our inner creativity is therapy.
24. Move my body. Yoga, SoulCycle, a walk around the ‘hood. Shake it off. Get it out of the system. Movement is like hitting a reset button.
25. When all else fails, remember this quote . . .

You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.

—Buddha

What are your thoughts on self-compassion? What about self-esteem vs. self-compassion?
I’d love to know your tips + tricks to cultivating a greater level of self-compassion in your life. As always, leave a comment below to share your wisdom.

xo

P.S. If you’re interested in hearing a bit more about this self-esteem vs. self-compassion business, check out this Ted Talk by Kristin Neff (not the best quality video, but the message is thought provoking) . . .