In this monthly advice column (think ‘Dear Abby’ but modern and with tarot!), guest editor Natalie Vartanian answers YOUR questions. She tackles love + relationships, business + career, family + friends – you name it.

If you’d like to get some of Natalie’s on-point advice (and have your question featured here), email us!

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Dear Natalie,

When I have a big project *cough* novel *cough*, it’s easy for me to put EVERYTHING else first. I’m self-aware enough to know there’s something I’m encountering on the page that I don’t want to meet, so I’ll clean the floors, walk the dog, do whatever to not get to it. It’s infuriating though because I’ve done a ton of shadow work, and I feel like I should be able to sit with anything, even if only for a few minutes. But I’m not and it’s making my most important project stall out. Suggestions?

xo,
Self Aware Author 

 

Dear Self Aware Author,

My first thought is — let it go. All you are doing right now is trying to force yourself to do something you don’t want to do. Then not doing it and feeling bad about the fact that you are not doing it.

So for the moment, let’s pretend that you can put a pause on the big project (*cough* novel *cough*) so that we can process it and allow whatever wants or needs to be done, to do its thing.

My second thought is of course you are going to put everything else first when you don’t have to complete your project by any set time or submit a draft (or final) version of it to someone.

Why would anyone voluntarily want to sit with uncomfortable things if they don’t have to? Seriously!

We can only go so far doing the work ourselves. So my third thought is maybe it is time to get some outside support.  Whether it be an accountability buddy, someone to check in with, a writer’s group, etc. Explore and see what feels right for you.

To provide additional guidance and advice, I pulled a Tarot Card for this specific situation: PAGE OF CUPS.

The Page of Cups represents our emotional and spiritual world. He is at the beginning of his journey. He values connection, love, romance, sentimentality, compassion, kindness, healing etc.

What I take this to mean is: be gentle with yourself as you are at the beginning of your writing journey. Yes, you have done work and are able to be with things, but this is the first time you are writing in this way. Have self-compassion and come from a place of curiosity as opposed to judgment and criticism.

Take on not just beginner’s mind, but beginner’s heart.

The other piece here is reaffirming the support. The Page is about relationships. In order for him to get to a place of status and accomplishment, you will eventually need a board of advisors. Start now instead of waiting until you are King and then having to back peddle to find the right people who will support you, encourage you and provide you with the outside perspective you need.

xo,
Natalie

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Dear Natalie,

So, I’m at the “culling phase” of my life. I need to stop expending energy on relationships that are draining (or benign) and just aren’t giving back. But kindness and love are my religion, so to speak. How do you speak that truth in an open and honest way that isn’t hurtful to another person? Also, do people have a sixth sense about when you’re going to do this. Because I have one friend who causes more angst than joy, but each time I go to cut her off, she rushes in with everything I adore about her and would like from the relationship.

xo,
Cutting Cords

 

Dear Cutting Cords,

I have found that these “culling phases” usually have a tendency to work themselves out. We grow and shift and evolve and the people around us either naturally move away because they no longer fit into this new environment we have created for ourselves or they come closer, to solidify the relationship.

This to me is allowing nature to take its course which is the epitome of love and kindness. We trust that the Universe knows best and will orchestrate those relationships in our lives in a way that serves us all for our greatest good.

However, if there are individuals or relationships that are not working for you, then yes, it is time to draw boundaries and speak up about what you want. There is absolutely a way that is kind and loving but also direct and honest.

One approach I like to take is having a check in conversation. Let your friend know that you would like to catch up and check in about your friendship/relationship. 

When you’re together ask them how the friendship/relationship is going for them. Are they feeling fulfilled, loved, that their needs are being met? Do they want to continue to put intentional energy into the relationship or feel that it has shifted to one of going with the flow and seeing how things go on a moment by moment basis?

You obviously get to answer as well and what is encouraged here is a space of honesty and zero judgment so that you both can decide together how you want to proceed. This means each person takes a turn speaking without interruption while the other person openly listens and truly hears what the other person is saying.

This way you don’t have to decide anything on your own, are cluing the other person in on how you are feeling and giving them an opportunity to choose what they want as a result. This to me is also loving and kind because you are trusting them to be adults and know what is best for them.

To provide additional guidance and advice, I pulled a Tarot Card for this specific situation: TEMPERANCE.

This to me speaks of being way more in a place of harmony – knowing that the tides ebb and flow, and in order for us to enjoy the ride we get to operate from peace and trust and surrender.

Again, some relationships will come in when the time is right and others will recede. Let them do their dance on their own accord, as much as possible.

Check in with your sense of intuition and trust that you (and the Universe) know best what is needed with every situation and every relationship.

Hope this helps!

xo,
Natalie

 

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Dear Natalie,

I have some pretty intense irrational fears that just won’t quit. Stuff like thinking I’m going to be in a plane crash (whenever I fly), getting trapped somewhere with no way out, and constantly thinking that I have some kind of health condition. I know they’re not entirely irrational, this stuff does happen in life, but I just feel like our world is super focused on the negative/tragic and somehow I’ve absorbed some of that. I worry about a lot of things (that I know I have no control over). Any tips for how to get this in check? Thanks!

xo,
Chronically Fearful

 

Dear Chronically Fearful,

I think you hit the nail on the head. The world is often focused on the negative and when you are a super sensitive being, of course you are going to soak up all of that doom and gloom and worry energy. I can relate. Not in the intense irrational fear department, but in being affected by the messages I get all day every day from people around me.

One tip I have is to stop engaging with the messages from the outside, or at least be more choice about it. I personally stopped watching or listening to the news. When I come across news on my Facebook feed (which I cannot control as much), I choose which stories to read or not. It may seem a bit like an ostrich sticking its head in the sand, but I see it as a mother being protective of her child.

Because here is the thing – crazy things do happen in the world! But the percentage of them happening to you are pretty small compared to your average life span and where you live in the world.

The more you focus on the positive, and the messages of miracles and possibilities, the more your brain will learn to seek out those messages, and pay attention to them when they present themselves to you.

Speaking of the mind – did you know only 12% of our thoughts and actions are on the conscious level? 88% is from our subconscious – things that we were exposed to from the ages of 0 to 8. Knowing this I realized there is only so much we can do with our conscious mind to change things. I bet a lot of those irrational fears come from things you picked up during childhood that you don’t even know live in your brain.

In this sense, I would suggest a hypnotherapist. They can go in there and reprogram your fears with things you choose to replace them with (like love and possibility).

I know I had a lot of money fears growing up. Stuff like: I’m going to lose my place or have my car taken away. Doing the work to turn down the traumatic and chaotic voices from my childhood, and consequently turning UP the volume on what I want to create and what is possible, has helped me tremendously!

To provide additional guidance and advice, I pulled a Tarot Card for this specific situation: ACE OF CUPS REVERSED.

The Ace of Cups generally represents new chapters but specifically around our emotions, spirituality, relationships, intuition, etc. Cups represent water, which is the world of feelings and love and all of the things that cannot be touched or seen but felt in our hearts and souls.

For you, I am feeling that this is the need to connect to your faith and spirituality as well. When we have that relationship in a much more solid way, we are not as affected by the material world and fears that are created by our mind.

Whether it is meditation or prayer or simply focusing on gratitude (things that are beautiful and positive in the world), there is a call for you to have a fresh start when it comes to your emotional and spiritual selves.

I know every time I am in my head or focusing on the 1,000,0001 things that can go wrong, when I bring myself back to love and what is possible – it begins to shift the energy from one of despair to one of hope.

xo,
Natalie