In this monthly advice column (think ‘Dear Abby’ but more modern and with tarot cards!), Guest Editor Natalie Vartanian answers YOUR questions. She’ll tackle love + relationships, business + career, family + friends – you name it.

If you’d like to get some of Natalie’s on-point advice (and have your question featured here), email us!

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Dear Natalie,

I am SO hard on myself. Like ridiculously so. I know a lot of it is from how I was raised, but I really hate it. How do I lighten up and stop beating myself up? I fall back into bad habits or patterns and then give myself hell for it. It’s so annoying and I think it keeps me feeling negative about everything in general. Any suggestions?

xo,
Stuck in a rut

 

Dear Stuck in a rut,

I hear your pain and I answered a similar question about living with our past mistakes in the December issue of Dear Natalie. You can read that here.

But let’s dive a little deeper into this flavor of beat up. One question I would ask regarding the things you feel you ‘should’ be doing is, “Why?”

Are you connected to the reason(s) you want to do things in the first place? Because let me tell you, if it is not compelling enough it will not override your past conditioning and habits.

We ARE creatures of habit . . . so unless we do something enough times where it becomes a new habit, we will inevitably do the thing we are more familiar with (or comfortable with). And yes, even something that is “bad” for us can be comfortable because we are used to it.

Also, strip away all of the judgments. Start playing in the place of ‘there is no such thing as good or bad, right or wrong’. Instead of being judge and jury, be scientist and subject.

I can tell you personally, that is what snapped me out of being in that place. I would get into a similar ‘beat myself up’ place as well or I would tell myself shit like “I just can’t complete anything” or “I must be a commitment phobe”.

The problem was usually that I was not passionate (or connected) enough to the thing I wanted to do in order to keep going after the initial spark wore off. Because trust me, the spark will die down unless you keep stoking the flames and build the fire bigger and brighter, to make it sustainable.

That is where the curiosity comes in. Try different things out. If something doesn’t work, try something else. Switch it up. But from a place of genuine inquisitiveness and experimentation.

Also compassion – self compassion – if someone else was in our shoes doing the things we were doing or suffering with the things we were struggling with we would be way more understanding. Your practice is to turn that compassion on yourself because guess what – you are doing the best you can and learning along the way.

NO ONE GAVE US THE MANUAL ON TO HOW TO LIVE A FULFILLING LIFE!

We are all figuring this shit out as we go! If we knew better, we would do better (another concept to play with). So right now, the thing you need to learn and get better at, is how to keep going with the things that you feel called to do, experience or be. Cool, right? It’s like being a student again.

It’s a process but a worthwhile one – we unlearn the things we were initially taught by learning new things and then acting on them and making them our new reality. The more you take action, the more it will become a habit and your new way of doing things (and relating in the world).

Lastly here is a Tarot Card to help facilitate this for you: ACE OF SWORDS.

 

The Ace represents new chapters. The Ace of Swords specifically speaks to new ways of thinking and seeing the world, communicating differently and expanding our consciousness as Swords are air and they are connected to our minds, beliefs, perceptions, words etc.

Unless you adopt a new belief system – a new way of seeing yourself and the world and the people around you – you will continue to do the things you have always done. Basically go to source, get to the root, and do the work from there. Once the insides are changes, the outsides will automatically reflect that. So be patient with yourself as you go to the beginning again, metaphorically, and learn. Remember to have Beginner’s Mind. Hope this helps my dear!

xo,
Natalie

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Dear Natalie,

I’ve struggled with depression and loving myself, for a lot of my life. I’m at the age where I feel like I “should” have it all together and intellectually I totally get how and why I should value and love myself. But it feels like I can’t quite get there. I give myself a hard time about everything. And often feel like I’ll never be able to move on, find love and be truly happy. Any advice?

xo,
Struggling with Self-Love

 

Dear Struggling with Self-Love,

Hey there . . . I can really relate to this. I feel like it took me until I was in my early 30’s to be honest, to really get this whole self love thing. I too struggled with low level depression which is hard because you’re not sure what it’s like to NOT feel sluggish and somewhat numb. But I also had lots of turmoil and trauma in my household and it took a long time to be able to detox from that kind of drama and toxicity.

To be even more honest, it took therapy and coaching (at times simultaneously) in order for me to learn that what I was feeling was okay AND to learn tools, techniques, belief systems, perspectives in order to get to a place of passion and excitement and fulfillment and happiness.

If you have not already done so, read the answer to the question above as it relates so much to the being hard on yourself and feeling you should have the answers already.

Also, I pulled a Tarot Card for you to give you some insight into your personal situation: THE EMPRESS CARD.

She is the ultimate mother earth type figure. She is connected to all that is real and solid and tangible, she is about comfort and nurturing and giving birth to beauty in the world. She is a creator, she is a mother, she is a nurturer.

 

You need to see yourself as both the Empress and the subject of the Empress’ love and attention and care. This to me is a call for you to take on the task of nurturing yourself as you would a child. We give them love because they deserve it for no other reason than they are alive AND it feels good to give.

Next time you find yourself getting hard on yourself, take a moment and imagine if it was a little girl that was going through the same experience (of pain, hurt, frustration) what would you do? Then do that. Whether it is giving her a bath, giving her a hug, giving her a kiss, telling her it was all going to be okay, telling her you were proud of her for trying, etc. Exquisite self care is your prescription.

xo,
Natalie

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Dear Natalie,

Ok, this is embarrassing to admit, but I’ve dug myself a huge financial hole. I have a job that pays so-so, but have been spending up a storm. I know I turn to “stuff” to fill emotional gaps, but I also feel like I don’t want to go without things that I love. I’m not buying hugely extravagant things, but I’m definitely spending beyond my means. I vow to curb the behaviour but then feel deprived and end up spending even more. Any thoughts on how to stop this vicious cycle? Thank you!

xo,
Emotional Spender

 

Dear Emotional Spender,

Woah – can I relate to this one. My version of it was the combination of lending money out to people (that I didn’t have) and also going out to eat, buying things, etc with the intention of paying it off later.

First off I want to say that our money stuff is just as charged and complex as our sex/relationship stuff. We are not taught any of this stuff, like how to be a good money manager or how to be a good partner, so we stumble through it and absorb the patterns of people around us.

Some things to try:

• The 24 hour rule – Have more intention with the things you are buying. If you still want it the next day after having had a whole day to think about it and let it roll around then go for it.
• Ask yourself Why – Why do you want that thing? This is so that you can get more conscious and logical instead of emotional and reactionary when you want to purchase something. Even if you keep buying things in the beginning that you later don’t want, the more you get into this practice, the more natural it will become to question and get to the root of your desire.
• Feed yourself what you really need – Just like with eating, are you eating because you are bored or because you are really hungry? Do you actually want water or to go for a walk or a cry or a bath or for someone to give you a hug? Then give yourself the thing you actually want and need. The feeling of deprivation is because THIS right here is not happening, not because you are going without.
• Close all of your credit cards – I ended up doing a debt consolidation because I had gotten into a bit of hole myself and there was something so powerful about not having credit. I had to make sure I had the money before buying anything. I got so much more connected to money and the things I was purchasing. I valued them more because I had to ‘work’ for it before I could afford it sometimes.

Again, these are just some ideas about actions you can take, but a majority of this is about getting down to your beliefs and consciousness.

A book I have been reading lately that has helped so much has been “Tapping into Wealth”, an EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) book by Margaret Lynch. I love it because it gets to the emotions behind our relationship with money and wealth and spending – and the unraveling and reprogramming of that belief system has been a super transformative one for me.

Last but not least, I pulled a Tarot Card for you: THE JUSTICE CARD.

 

This card is all about getting to a place of balance and logic and fairness. And getting us to be much more detached and rational about things.

Again, the emotional piece is what will keep you in the vicious cycle. If you can get to a place of seeing things objectively and weigh them well in order to make a decision that is in the best interest of everyone, that is the key. Be sensitive to those scales and the direction you want things to tip so that you are much more intentional about what you put in them.

Last thing here is using the sword of truth to cut through the bullshit – it requires honesty (radical honesty) with yourself in every moment – especially when asking yourself what you want and WHY you want the things you want. The truth really does set us free. Hope this helps!

xo,
Natalie