I have to admit, I’m a little obsessed with closure.

I love making a list and crossing off every item. I relish the conclusion of a project when, for a fleeting moment, I feel satisfied and at peace.

Yet when it comes to my friendships, I have a lot of loose ends.

There are some friends that I shared a deep connection with for a particular moment, but once that moment passed, we fell out of touch. It’s natural that some friendships fade away. Maybe school or a job connected us in the past, but now that our paths have diverged, there’s no strong incentive to stay in touch. It’s as if there’s an unspoken agreement between us to appreciate what we had, and that’s enough. I’m at peace with memories like these.

The loose ends that I’m talking about are with people who are still “in my life,” but who aren’t actually doing anything to maintain the friendship. They’re people who I still care for, but I never hear from. They don’t initiate a visit or bother to ask how I’m doing, yet I look past this and continue to think of them as friends. I let my efforts do the work for both of us. I rationalize why they’re too busy to call. Shouldn’t I just appreciate whatever they can give? Lately, I’ve been questioning this approach.

Is it really worth maintaining a one-sided friendship? Am I compromising what I really want by dragging out a connection that doesn’t seem essential to the other person involved?

If I were dating, and a guy stopped returning my texts, I’d (hopefully) take the hint, let go and move on. By doing this, I’d be standing up for what I deserve and making space for someone better. But it’s a lot harder to draw these lines with friends. It’s comforting to hold on to past relationships. It makes us feel less alone. But it’s not good to hold on to people who you continue to expect things from that you’ll never receive. This traps us in a cycle of disappointment and resentment.

People move away, partner up, start families, get busier and generally have less energy. I get this. I’m busy too. But business doesn’t justify being an absent friend. It’s because everyone’s time and emotional energy is stretched so thin that we should all expect more from people, not less. I want to make time for the people who make time for me.

An honest look at who’s actually present in my life reveals a scary fact: good friends are few and far between. But just because the quantity of my friends is dwindling doesn’t mean that I should compromise on quality. I don’t think anyone should submerge their needs just so they can have a more active social calendar.

Here are some of the ways that I recommend bringing closure to old friendships:

• Stop doing the work. If you’re always the one to call or check in, then you’re more invested than they are. Let your friends show you that you’re still a priority in their lives by pulling back and waiting for them to reach out. If you don’t hear from them, it’s time to let go.

• Unfollow in-between friends on social media. It’s one thing to get happy updates from high school pals who you have absolutely no expectation of hearing from again. It’s another to see photos from a party that you weren’t invited to but wanted to join. Sweep your feeds of people who remind you of what you’ve lost.

• Be honest with yourself and with your friend. Ask yourself why you want them in your life. Are they part of a routine that you’re used to? Is it out of obligation? Is it because they’re doing well, and you want to surround yourself with successful energy? Or is it because you still feel a sincere connection with them, and you truly miss them? If the friendship is important enough to save, call your friend and tell her how you feel. Maybe she just needs a nudge back in right direction. Or, maybe she’ll tell you that she’s sorry, but she can’t give more. Either way, you’ll know whether you should keep trying, or whether it’s time to move on.

Maya Angelou once said “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

I think that’s sound advice. When we stop investing energy in one-sided friendships, we free up more space to share with the people who are giving back. By honoring our self-worth, we radiate more confidence and strength. We open ourselves up to new friendships that we never made time for before. And, if that old friend pops back into our lives, we can approach the relationship anew, instead of with a backlog of resentment.

We all need to feel heard and appreciated by other people, and I don’t mean in some half-assed, once-in-a blue-moon kind of way. Let’s nurture high quality friendships that are thriving now, and let go of the ones that disappoint. It’s ok to close some doors to our past. If someone really misses you, they’ll let you know.

xo
Rebecca

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