Shame shame, I know your name :: you + me + paula deen.

{Photos via PaulaDeen.com | BeantownBaker.com}

Over the past few weeks I’ve been increasingly agitated.

At myself. At others. At the world.
The last straw was when my boyfriend came home and told me about Paula Deen’s latest.

Earlier that day, I had just had, what I consider to be, a near death experience. The closest that I’ve ever come at least. And so I was a bit more sensitive and raw than usual.
Strangely, when my man told me about Paula, my reaction was, “Why is anyone surprised? She’s an older, white woman from the deep south? Seriously? Who cares!“.
Woah. Where did that come from?
Even though part of this is true, I in no way condone her behavior. I lived in Alabama for 4.5 years and can attest to a certain “slow to catch up with the times” mentality down there, however, it is by no means true of ALL Southerners. In fact, I met some of the most respectful, loving and compassionate people ever there. Anyhoo, the only thing I can think that provoked this callous response in me, was that in that particular moment, feeling like I’d just watched my life flash before my eyes earlier that day, Paula’s problems really weren’t all that important to me.

When I got online the next day and researched the story, read what she was accused of exactly, and her response to the allegations – I was sad. For her. And for us.
Why?
Because this woman clearly made a BIG mistake. One that undoubtedly she will be recovering from for years.
Part of me feels like she deserves to be made an example of in the media. But there’s another part of me that felt sorry for her. Deeply sorry.

So that’s how it came to be, that the reigning queen of Southern cooking got me thinking about judgement. And empathy. Two concepts that I’ve been mulling over A LOT lately.
Since moving to L.A. I’ve started consciously paying attention to how many times I judge myself, my loved ones and even strangers – and to be completely frank, it scares me.
I do it ALL. THE. TIME.
Judgement is on autopilot.
And I’m simultaneously ashamed and feel almost powerless over it.
Empathy also comes naturally to me. I’m highly sensitive and highly empathic. I connect deeply with the emotions that someone else is experiencing. I feel it and I feel it deeply.

One of the things that really has disturbed me about Paula Deen’s case, and that manifests itself everywhere it seems lately, is how many people have showed up to publicly judge and shame her. To fight fire with fire. Calling her names. Spewing the same hatred that she reportedly used 30 years ago.
The question I keep asking myself is, “how is this helpful?” How are our judgements of her, or the words of shame and reproach, any better than what she did? Sure, it might be called racism, what she did. And that’s a big no-no, especially in this country. But what we’ve been doing has a name too – it’s called judging. Bullying. Shaming.
And if you’ve read anything by Brené Brown, you’ll know – this isn’t a solution. In fact, it’s downright dangerous.
And it certainly isn’t a way to cultivate empathy and compassion in ourselves and others.

We live in a world where most people still subscribe to the belief that shame is a good tool for keeping people in line. Not only is this wrong, but it’s dangerous. Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying.

—Brené Brown, from Daring Greatly

The definition of shame according to Brené is this: the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.
A few people came out to defend Ms. Deen, but the majority of the press has been scathing. The Food Network dropped her show. Sponsors have dumped her. And QVC is “monitoring the situation” before they decide what’s next.

The only article that speaks to the reality of this one-woman-circus was this one.
I resonated deeply with this writers’ take on the whole spectacle. He makes some brilliant points.
And to his points I would add the following . . .

*Our world is stuck on the notion of separateness. We don’t believe that our actions have a direct affect on anyone else, therefore we’re quick to make rash and often, ruthless and unwarranted statements or judgements about others. It’s every man/woman for themselves.
*Celebrities are held to an unattainable standard called perfection. We assume that because they’ve “made it” that they’re perfect. Or worse yet, that because they’re famous being perfect is part of the deal. Ummm, WRONG. We are all human. We all make mistakes. Celebrities and people who are in the press are no different. I’m curious if each of us would be willing to step up and have our lives be under the microscope 24/7 too.
*It’s like high school out there. Remember my post 2 weeks ago? We live in a culture of cruelty. Bullying has become synonymous with growing up. The idea that it stops when we get older? Not so much. We bully ourselves, others, everyone. If we want to change this globally, WE have to change first.

My biggest a-ha moment from this entire ordeal is something that Brené talks about in her book Daring Greatly. And that is . . .

We’re only as hard on others, as we are on ourselves.

That’s how judgement works. When we put down or criticize others, we get to shine the light on their garbage, temporarily dimming the light on our own. We think that if others are doing worse than us, that means we’re doing better.
This couldn’t be further from the truth.
The only way to break free from the judgement cycle and dismantle the culture of cruelty that we’ve created, is to stop putting others down. Stop judging others.
Instead, we need to remember that we’re all alike, we’re all perfectly imperfect, filled with doubt and shame, and ultimately we all want to belong and be loved. We have to go from “turning on each other” to “turning toward each other”.

So, now begins the work of actually putting words into action.
I’m curious, do you make value judgements about others? If so, why? How do you handle the voice of judgement – of yourself or others? How do you think we can dismantle the shame + cruelty in our culture today?
Leave me a comment below + let’s start a candid conversation about judgement + shame. You in?

xo

Tagged as: life lessons, personal growth, what i know