In this new monthly advice column (think ‘Dear Abby’ but more modern and with tarot cards!), Guest Editor Natalie Vartanian answers YOUR questions. She’ll tackle love + relationships, business + career, family + friends – you name it. If you’d like to get some of Natalie’s on-point advice (and have your question featured here), email us!
How do I draw a line between standing for the greatness in people (by giving them feedback about something they are doing, or some way of being/showing up, that they don’t realize)? And then detach from their choices? I don’t think that wanting their goals for them MORE than them is a productive use of my energy. As they say, “you can bring a horse to water, but you can’t force him to drink”.
A Big Hearted Helper
Dear Big Hearted Helper,
What a poignant and powerful question. Right off the bat I would say check in with yourself as to the WHY behind the urge or need to say something.
If it is truly for their benefit and growth, because it ties in to something they are wanting for themselves and looking to create in the world? If yes, then by all means, SHARE! As you said, if they are unaware of how they are showing up and you see that this is causing them angst or confusion as to the results they are getting, I would most definitely give them loving feedback around their actions or way of being.
If it is more about you and how it makes YOU feel (i.e. it irritates you or is bringing up reactionary energy in you), then this is the place to pause. Here is the opportunity for you to get right with whether your desire is to make you feel better or for their greatest good. Because not everyone’s path looks the same and we need to go through certain experiences in order to ‘get it’.
Unless someone is ready and willing to hear a truth it will most likely fall on deaf ears.
The energy will be markedly different between it being about YOU or being about THEM in the delivery of the message. It will feel more like a gift when coming from a place of love and standing for their greatness. You will not have any attachment to them ‘doing’ anything with the information. It was given unconditionally and from a place of generosity and compassion.
To help facilitate the piece of your question around detaching from their choices, I pulled a Tarot Card for you. The card I received is the KING OF WANDS. This archetype stands for creativity, purpose, vision, passion, confidence, boldness and action.
What I am feeling here is when you are clear in your own passion and purpose and vision, others choices and actions do not affect you as much.
You are able to charge boldly forward knowing that you are a leader by example. People will either rise up to the occasion or bow down, but it is not because of you deciding that for them. If they are enrolled in your vision and belief in your mission, they will jump at the chance to follow suit.
You be your bright beautiful powerful you and that will give people permission inadvertently to be their bright beautiful powerful selves!
I’m wondering about the line between preparing yourself for love and “fixing” yourself. I’ve found soul mates over the years, and have deeply loved them. I know what it feels like, even though they may not have been the right one. I’ve also been with partners who treat me better than all the rest combined, but my heart never said “hell yes” and therefore, I’ve said no.
I don’t believe I’m just afraid, and wonder if my lack of feeling and emotional connection with such an amazing person is because they aren’t my “soulmate,” Or is it that I’m sabotaging myself? I don’t want to shirk my own responsibility to learn to love maturely and grow. I’d love to know what you think Natalie!
Searching for Love
Dear Searching for Love,
Wow, I feel so deeply the emotion and conflict in this question. I will also be honest that I have asked myself this question a million times over, especially being in the world of self development for as long as I have been (I read my first self help book at 18!).
I think we can ALWAYS be in the “work on self” space. That is our job as human beings – to learn, to grow, to evolve. I am personally in that space whether I am in relationship or not.
I believe it is not about fixing yourself, as much as it is about finding the right person (or persons) that will be able to meet you on various levels (then it is not a question anymore). Will you have fears, insecurities, questions come up even with the right ones? YES! Hell yes! Because relationships are designed to bring up our stuff and we can either work to heal from them or not; we can transform or stay traumatized.
This is a YES AND answer. Yes continue to work on self and make room. And the best way to do that is by being the most aware, alive, present, passionate, powerful human being possible AND know that when you meet the right person, all of the excuses and red flags will go out of the window and your next level of ‘work’ will begin, the kind only possible in relation with another.
I know this on an even deeper level now being with someone who is a Hell Yes, after two others who were soul mates (yet something always felt off and HARD with them). My current partner and I definitely encounter our old stuff coming in but are WAY more willing to walk through the fire with each other, for our relationship, because of what we know is available on the other side. Most of the time it’s so easy and effortless and we have a freaking blast together. That connection is deep and powerful and magical. I cannot imagine doing this kind of ‘work’ with anyone else.
In order to provide additional perspective around this I pulled a Tarot Card for you and got the FOUR OF WANDS. What this card represents is passion, celebration, community, joy, love, purpose, etc. It is about surrounding ourselves with people who will stoke those fires and remind us of the important things in life.
What I feel into this for you and this question, is that the passion needs to be there in a romantic relationship in order to keep you moving through those difficult and challenging times. Wands are also fire and there WILL be moments of having to walk through that fire and be like the Phoenix rising from the ashes on the other side, transformed because of love and honesty and the greater purpose.
You will know it when you feel it, trust your intuition around that, and once you do, it will provide you with the perspectives to experience love in a way that you never have before. Keep doing what you are doing by stoking your own fires and enjoy the bonfire when you find the person who will be like lighter fluid to your already existing flames!