{Photo via plasticdollheads}
Last week I watched a video on YouTube that really spoke to me.
I’ve included the clip at the bottom of this post, if you haven’t seen it {warning, she uses some choice language, so make sure there are no kiddos present}.
Laci, the girl in the video, brought up an issue that I too have thought a lot about over the years.
And have been thinking about even more in the last few months since moving to L.A.
That of girls vs. girls.
Specifically, girl on girl hatin’.
Women who talk smack about other women.
Make their sisters feel less than / ashamed of their bodies / unattractive / like a terrible mother.
You know what I’m talking about.
It sucks and yet I see it happening all the time. Online and off.
Personally, I’ve had more experiences with girl hate than I care to admit.
From as far back as middle school and into my high school years, I was made fun of all the time by girls {and a number of boys}.
It may have been because I wore big glasses, had a Dad who “looked funny” or because I was appropriately awkward looking {HELLO I was 13 and it was the early 90′s!}.
I even had an acting teacher criticize my appearance in a workshop and a photographer tell me I needed to lose a few pounds. I was 17.
And today at 36 years old, I still see girl hate happening. Whether it’s public figures dissing each other or mothers talking down to their daughters, or teenagers acting out scenes from Mean Girls – it still exists, in fact, it’s more prevalent than ever.
What really sucks is that this all starts during our formative early teenage years. A time when hormones are surging, we become aware of our bodies in a whole new way and we start seeking the approval of everyone around us. In other words when we’re impressionable and vulnerable. We are desperate to fit in and find a place within our social groups. It’s a freaking weird time. A time that is hard enough as it is, without adding to it, the pain and torture of being humiliated and made fun of by your fellow sisters.
Thinking back, I’m surprised that I wasn’t more deeply affected by comments the boys made. One would think that those would sting the most. And sting they did. But it wasn’t as confidence destroying as what the girls said to me.
Being laughed at, mocked and made fun of is horrible no matter who is behind the venom.
But for reasons I’m just now beginning to understand, the girls’ words hurt more. They burrowed deep into my psyche, planted seeds of anger and self loathing, that continued to bloom and mature well into adulthood.
In fact, as shameful as this is to admit, I often find myself silently saying similar things about women. I may not say it out loud, but it’s still perpetuating girl hate. When I stop and take stock of what I’m doing, I just want to whack myself upside the head and shout, “SHAME ON ME!”.
In life we either take on the patterns of those who wronged us or we rebel against them and do the opposite.
I’ve done a bit of both.
I’m an outspoken advocate of girls issues and yet, I sometimes gossip or otherwise bad mouth other ladies.
I know that this behavior stems from my own insecurities and feelings of scarcity and unworthiness.
But still. It’s not okay.
The buck has to stop here.
The whole notion of girl on girl hate isn’t anything new.
Movies like Mean Girls, Heathers, Cruel Intentions or Clueless aren’t just tall tales dreamed up by angst ridden Hollywood writers – they are born from experiences, real-life ones,that many of us have had growing up.
We all knew of those “popular girls” in school. The ones who dated the quarterback, were enviably well developed for their age, had killer long locks and legs to match, and were always the best dressed. I for one, knew a bunch of these girls in high school. And they never gave me the time of day. Never.
Only when I started dating a football player my sophomore year, did they sort of acknowledge my presence. But even then, we were never friends.
But interestingly, it wasn’t just the stereotypical popular girls and cheerleaders who were doling out the meanities.
It was ALL kinds of girls.
I noticed this type of behavior amongst the international students, the geeks, the nerds and even the creative kids.
I was in theater from junior high onward. And even with my fellow artistically inclined thespians, there was backstabbing, gossiping and generally making judgements on others. It wasn’t isolated to any particular group, it was a school-wide epidemic.
Which then continued on into my college years, grad school, my first real job, the filmmaking community and even in the yoga community.
I feel like as women we adopt some sort of unspoken credo of negative self love at some point in our development. One that tells us in order to be loved, we have to put others down. That there isn’t enough love to go around. And that if we want something, we better be ruthless to get it {even if that means hurting others}.
In the video below, Laci speaks to the solution being Girl Love.
What a radical concept.
Treating other ladies with the respect, admiration and love they deserve.
Praising them for scoring that amazing new job.
Acknowledging how hard it is to be a mom AND still have time for a thriving relationship.
Dolling out words of kindness about her body and how wonderful she looks.
In other words, simply loving our ladies.
Instead of hate. Spread love.
It really is as simple as that.
It’s true for all parts of our lives, but especially when it comes to ending the harmful Girl vs. Girl culture.
I’d love to know your experiences with this.
Did you ever have incidents of girl on girl hate growing up? How has that affected you?
How do you spread girl love to the women around you?
Thanks as always, for sharing your stories in the comments below.
And to all my ladies out there –
I see you.
I value you.
I honor your feminine beauty and your uniqueness in the world.
I hope you know just how amazingly badass you are.
Thank you for showing up in all your glory, every day in your life. And making it okay for me to do the same.
With love,
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